sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
