Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
