Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
