Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
