Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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