if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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