Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
