Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
