More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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