when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
