I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Green mimosas i think yes
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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