did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
