Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
