So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
