you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
