Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
