If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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