I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
