I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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