She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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