Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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