I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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