I'm so fucking centered right now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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