Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
