i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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