I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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