note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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