We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
