the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
being pregnant is like rehab
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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