My nipple is on Facebook.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
