my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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