Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
