Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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