you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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