So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
