Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
