Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
