Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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