he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
