you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
