I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
