My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
