peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
