oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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