Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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