in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
