My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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