And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
