I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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