My first STD was from a foam party
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
