I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
