a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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